Life Coaching

My Dad Hugged Me and It Changed My World: Has Your Child Left Home for College?

A Dad’s Hug can work for you!

11 Ways To Thrive When Your Child Goes Off To College

I still remember the first time I flew home during my first year as a West Point cadet and saw my Dad. (I was just 17 years old and hadn’t seen him since leaving about 6 months earlier.)

My Dad walked up to me as I extended my hand for a handshake. He grabbed my hand, pulled me in, and hugged me super close, in a full bear hug, as if I were life itself (for a good long time).

I mean it, as if “I were life itself.”

He had never hugged me like that. The power, emotion, and love of my Dad’s epic hug pretty-much shocked me. He told me – as he held on to me tightly – in a hoarse, loud whisper: “I love you!”

The impact that one hug had on me… Whew! I think of it every day. That ONE hug strengthened me, comforted me, lifted me up, guided me, communicated the weight of historical perspective, and otherwise impacted me as a young man, a grown man, a husband, a father, an Army officer, in business, in friendships…all along my journey.

This wasn’t my Dad’s first (or last) time telling me he loved me, or hugging me. But, it was very different this time — on the occasion of my first trip back home from college.

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I tell you this personal story because a very, very long-time friend of mine contacted me because he and his wife are struggling in dealing with their child going off to college and the prospects that their wonderful & talented child – eyes now wide open and experiencing the personal & professional potential and opportunities that exist all over this country – may never move back to their small town.

I have had this issue brought to me by many coaching clients over the years. The Dad and Mom struggle is real!

Let me acknowledge that having a child leave for college is a gumbo of emotions, stress, worry, elation, in-with-the-new, out-with-the-old, independence…

Perhaps you’re dealing with this.

So, what do I advise in these situations where you, as Dad or Mom, are saddened by the prospects of your college-aged child leaving home for school or to otherwise move on in life? Try these…

11 Ways To Deal With Your Child Leaving Home

1. Know that you have spent all those years leading to this point so that your child is prepared to maneuver through life, get the most out of these college years, and successfully navigate the adult years. Basically, you did your job! That’s why your child is able to move forward and leave home in the first place.

2. Use all the ways to communicate (that did not exist when I was in college) to stay connected to your kid who left home. Smart phone. Texting. Emailing. FaceTime. Facebook. Instagram. And whatever else is developed in the time between when I wrote this article and you reading it! (Back then, “Plebes” – as West Point freshmen are called – had to stand in long lines outside a phone booth with dimes & nickles to call home “collect.” Kids, ask your elders about this.)

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3. Share yourself with your college student by sending a monthly care package of stuff you know that she/he likes. I still remember my Mother sending me chewing gum, cookies, little notes… Dad, Mom… Get packing!

4. Understand that your role as parent is evolving. Just as you moved beyond changing your kid’s diaper, bathing them, feeding them Gerber’s Baby Food, driving them to middle school practices, and so forth – – now is also the time to move forward to another level of parenting. Now, the way you parent your out-of-your-home child must change…in how you communicate, in what you communicate, in when you communicate, in how you make suggestions, in how you offer advice, in how you help solve problems, in how you help them move from young-almost-adult to young adult…

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5. Use the time freed up by one less child being in your home to give more attention to the children still living at home with you. Your other kids need you and they’ll probably really appreciate (eventually, if not right away) the added attention that you give them. If you’re like most parents, you probably spent a huge amount of time in the 12-18 months before your child left for college – – – focusing with your child on college applications, junior-senior year grades, proms, college visits, standardized testing, new clothing, college financing… Take some of that time back and give it to your remaining children. It won’t be long before your remaining children also leave the nest for new horizons. Personal Note: I found myself learning more about the remaining kids as each of my other kids left for college. I learned much more about the remaining child’s interests and challenges, that were hidden from me in the fog of a full house.

6. Speaking of “time management #1,” take some of your time & energy now freed-up by your child being off to college to do things that you’d like to do, that you have been unable to do – because Kids. Just. Suck. All. Your. Time.

7. Speaking of “time management #2,” take some of that glorious free time & energy you have been gifted back and focus it on your significant other, because (say it with me) Kids. Just. Suck. All. Your. Time. Or, in the words of a comedian I heard years ago, “Kids, you’re just visiting. Your father is here forever.” Pro Coach Tip: Reconnect and rekindle the love & hobbies that brought you two together in the first place. If you need inspiration, check out Escape (The Piña Colada Song) . Listen to the entire thing, but especially concentrate once it gets to the 2:40 mark.

8. Keep an eye on the children still at home to help them deal with the void in their lives from the loss of the presence of the newly-gone college student. Encourage your at-home and at-college kids to communicate frequently with each other – without you!

9. Know that many other parents around the country are also experiencing the sense of loss. This won’t make you feel better. However, it should let you know that you’ll get through this.

10. Celebrate the accomplishment. You got a child out of high school and off on life’s magnificent journey. You never wanted to raise your child to be a human “house pet,” unable to survive on their own. You wanted to raise a child who could take on the world! That’s what you got. Congratulations Mom and Dad!

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11. I have one other big piece of advice for parents sending their not-so-small-anymore crumb-cruncher off to college. Here it is: Write them a note with all the major things you want them to know about this looming new thing called college and the big things in life. Share the wisdom you’ve learned that only a life lived can teach. If you think your child can be great, tell them! Give it to your kid by hand. Don’t text it to them. Don’t email it to them.

Look them in the eye when you tell them you want them to keep the note in their wallet, purse, or anywhere where they can refer to it whenever necessary or the mood hits them. I have provided each of my kids their note in bullet point style on a 3×5 inch card. I encourage them to read it often and to pull it out as a reference whenever things in college get confusing. I have found that they see increasing value in it with each passing year of college.

Psst. The info I write for my kids mostly differs from one kid to the next, because they are different from each other in key ways. That said, there is one thing that I write on each of their cards. I write, “No matter what the issue, you can always call Dad.”

One Final Thought

Oh, be sure and grab those you love and hug them as if they are life itself. They are! Make the hug so amazing that your kids (and your significant others…) remember it forever. Do this as often as possible. Dad and Mom… Get on your game!